A Jewish Child's Thinking

Although I'm very creative, I must admit that I'm a rather linear thinker -- black and white oftentimes supercedes any gray possibilities.

That is exactly how I was as a child: I took things literally...as would many a child.

I recall standing in the schoolyard when I was about age 9, looking at the sky and thinking, "How could G-d be overlooking me...at this very moment...in the schoolyard and at the same time be overlooking my parents at their home a 2o-minute drive south of this area?"

When I was even younger than that, I used to look at the sky on a very cloud-filled sunny day, searching among the clouds, looking for G-d's throne. I pictured him up there, sitting on a throne, watching every move we made. As hard as I'd try, I couldn't find the throne.

When it came time of the "Yamim Noraim" I used to mentally picture the scales of justice; if I ever used a curse word or bad language, which I was counted as a sin, I pictured the scale weighing down a bit on one side. And the book of Life... I wanted to edit that on behalf of my family and friends. I wanted to get a peek at it, so that I could correct any errors. But of course, we were taught that G-d did not make errors.

I remember being very afraid at every Pesach seder when it was time to open the door for Eliyahu; again I thought, if he's here, how could he be at my friends' houses or cousins' houses. Okay, maybe he was expected to be there at a different time, but my home and family were now keeping him occupied.

Most of all I was AFRAID to ask these questions aloud. I was afraid that if I did, or sometimes if I even THOUGHT THEM, that my doubts would be evident; a sign perhaps that I was not a good Jew.

I understand now that it is good to ask questions, to seek out answers, to look at the gray areas. But try telling that to the child that I once was....