Do you feel "it?

When I was in College, I attended a school that was not in a big city, but fairly close to a Chabad House. Since I am Lubavitch, all though at the time was more on the modern side of the orthodox landscape. I thought it'd be a good idea to hang out there a lot. The Rabbi was a great guy, who really had a way with words and giving each person the attention they needed. I helped out from time to time with different things. As my time in school went on, I became less and less involved in the Chabad House. I started making a lot of friends and hanging out in town, I got very into the Local music scene. There is something about seeing bands start out, their beginning stages, that I really enjoyed.

Growing up I always had a hard time connecting on a personal and intimate level with being frum. Most of the things I did just seemed bothersome & robotic. Sort of like "Oh, it's Friday afternoon again, now it's Shabbos, here comes a day of doing nothing" I had trouble seeing the holiness in a lot of things. It's a product of many things which I plan on writing in later posts.

One Simchas Torah I was at the Chabad house and there was some more than usual drinking on my part (which I promise you WAS unusual, I was not one of those getting drunk off your head Lubavitch types) When I do get shall we say "tipsy" I have a tendency to get very "deep" and conversational. So I somehow got into a conversation with this girl who was at the beginning stages of being frum through that Chabad House. She had been hanging around for a year, I had met her before, she had just started keeping Shabbos in the previous months. But she was VERY into it. She was very devoted (and later became completely religious, got married to a nice Lubavitch boy (not me) and has 3 kids.)

We talked for a few hours, and the thing I kept asking her was "Why do you want to be religious?" This is a girl who came from a wealthy family, was attending a good school, had big hopes and dreams, she had a very normal life, and she WAS happy. She wasn't one of these people who have nothing in their lives and turn to G-d. Or are sad, and turn to Religion as a "Life Crutch" Yes, she did tell me she felt a lack of spirituality on her life, and had felt that she was always missing something, and that in the end- that was her real reason for wanting to be more involved with her connection to G-d.

The one thing she did say to me, which forever resonated in my head, was "I just feel it" That was her description. "it". She said ever since the first time she came to a shul. She saw it all. People practicing a religion. The man reading the torah. The man leading the Davening. The image of the Rabbi. The children happily running around the house. She said "it" felt right.

"It" felt like this is where she belonged. That was something I had no answer for. She wanted to be a Doctor. But admitted that she was more likely to settle down, get married and raise her kids, than become a doctor now. That to me was so hard to grasp. But every time she said "it" I looked at her and felt sad. Sad that I didn't feel "it"

I eventually did have my own "it" moments, but that's for another post ...